I hate you...don't leave me.

For my mother...


You were my first love
And also my first disappointment
Did you ever love me?
Even a little bit?
Or was I only the fulfillment of your
Obligation
How can one love
The millstone around their own neck
The thick, heavy, clanking chain
That forever ties you to your past
And regret

What do you see when you look at me?
Can you see past the walls at all
Anymore
Or are they too thick, too high, too wide?
Even if you could see past and through and around them
As well as the log in your own eye
Would the "me" that you see
Be "good enough"?
Why do I try...
Why do I cry...

The truth is I've grown too weary
Far too old and tired
To keep jumping through the hoops
Dancing as fast as I can
Driven beyond and in search of your approval...
Or applause or laughter or tears or anger...
Your love
That never comes
I'm too tired now
To chase after it any more
On this day I will say I give up
And give in
That I'm done and it really doesn't matter
Anymore
But my love for you
Is the millstone around my own neck
A thick, heavy, clanking reminder
For as long as I draw breath
That no matter what I did or didn't do
I was never good enough to be loved by you.


Kelly Clarkson "Because of You"

Beauty From Pain

Watch Superchick's Beauty From Pain here

Forever and 1/2 A Day...

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. I am a survivor of both rape and domestic violence. I wanted to share with you a piece of prose from some writings I hope to read at a Loud Voices event locally this month. Please...if you or anyone you know is in any kind of dating or domestic abuse situation call your local authorities and get out!! It will always, always get worse. May God bless you and keep you.



Forever and 1/2 a day

...that's what you would always say
As you got ice for my swollen face, through letters, over phone lines
Collect calls from jail
"I NEED BAIL!"

"But I will love you Liskee-for forever and 1/2 a day....this is ALL YOUR FAULT anyway!!"

However,
I can still taste the blood
And feel the jagged edges of my broken teeth
As my tongue darted across them
In fear and disbelief

Maybe I am all the things you say I am
Pathetic, Stupid, Ugly
But what about her?
She's not yet 2...just a baby...so perfect
What did she do
To deserve to live in this Hell
That burns hotter with each passing moment
This Hell that knows no end
This Hell that will last "forever and 1/2 a day"

I ran barefoot down that gravel road
On that cold February night
Only the light of the moon lit my path
Gripping her tight to my chest I prayed
"God!! Please rescue us!"
My answer came as you grabbed my long hair
Snatching me backward off my feet and path
I watched her fall in the dirt
As.  If.  It.  Took.  Hours.
With a growl dripped in Bacardi and hate
You swore "Do that again and I will kill you both"

But I will love you Liskee, forever and 1/2 a day
I will just never let you get away
Ever.
I haunt you to this very day
Go ahead and sleep with the light on every night
You silly cow
I occupy not your room, but your mind
You can't run from me now

I kept my promise Liskee
I didn't lie this time Liskee
Wherever you go, I will be there Liskee
Forever and 1/2 a day.

Death Is Nothing At All ~for my Grandma

My first birthday without her...memories of her making me a  Buckwheat Cake birthday dinner, bringing her a caramel apple from the fair...how she loved autumn. 

Death is nothing at all.

I have only slipped away to the next room.

I am I and you are you.

Whatever we were to each other, 

That, we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name.

Speak to me in the easy way

which you always used.

Put no difference into your tone.

Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed

at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word

that it always was.

Let it be spoken without effect.

Without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.

It is the same that it ever was.

There is absolute unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind

because I am out of sight? 

I am but waiting for you.

For an interval.

Somewhere. Very near.

Just around the corner.

All is well. 

Henry Scott Holland