I hate you...don't leave me.

For my mother...


You were my first love
And also my first disappointment
Did you ever love me?
Even a little bit?
Or was I only the fulfillment of your
Obligation
How can one love
The millstone around their own neck
The thick, heavy, clanking chain
That forever ties you to your past
And regret

What do you see when you look at me?
Can you see past the walls at all
Anymore
Or are they too thick, too high, too wide?
Even if you could see past and through and around them
As well as the log in your own eye
Would the "me" that you see
Be "good enough"?
Why do I try...
Why do I cry...

The truth is I've grown too weary
Far too old and tired
To keep jumping through the hoops
Dancing as fast as I can
Driven beyond and in search of your approval...
Or applause or laughter or tears or anger...
Your love
That never comes
I'm too tired now
To chase after it any more
On this day I will say I give up
And give in
That I'm done and it really doesn't matter
Anymore
But my love for you
Is the millstone around my own neck
A thick, heavy, clanking reminder
For as long as I draw breath
That no matter what I did or didn't do
I was never good enough to be loved by you.


Kelly Clarkson "Because of You"