Trusting Trust

Trust.

Just typing your name causes me to shift uncomfortably in my seat.  I sit and stare at you for a long while.  Heavy sighs take over my breathing and my stomach twists slightly and then gurgles.  I nervously twist my hair around my index finger as I bite the inside of my lower lip until I taste the salt in my blood.  Trust.  My lifelong nemesis.  We meet again.  You have cost me everything because of my inability to give you to others (including myself) which has caused others to have the inability to give you to me.

You are the second most  powerful force on earth.  Love is the most powerful, but the currency of love is you,  Trust.  You and Love are wound so tightly around one another, like forgotten necklaces in an old jewelry box.   It is virtually impossible to tell where one ends and the other begins.  By the way, how DO those necklaces get so tangled just sitting still in a box...on the shelf...alone...in the dark?  I digress ;)

What if you, Trust, are broken?  What happens when you, Trust, become broken before a person is even aware of what you are and your vital importance?  I know that for me, the consequences have been life long and completely devastating.  When you, my Trust, was betrayed from an early age, Fear stepped in and happily filled your place.  This caused an inability to truly love...both others or myself.  Once I realized your value I chased after you with reckless abandon.  You were always so elusive, yet so tempting.  You would feed my desire to have you by letting me get close enough to touch you, even embrace you for a moment, before you slipped from my grasp again.  Leaving only your fragrance and the memory of what it felt like to hold you.

I hardly saw you when I was growing up, so I had nothing to pattern Trust for others after.  I couldn't even summon you for myself, no matter how hard I tried.  You weren't in me and, consequently, you were not mine to give.  You left a giant festering wound in my soul and Fear saw his opportunity.  He moved in.  Hung up some pictures.  Ordered cable and take-out and had truly found his Home.  However, Fear turned out to be a pretty terrible neighbor to Love.  In fact, Fear ran Love and her entire family (including her children Peace, Grace, and even little Joy) clean out of the neighborhood.  When Fear moved in Love and her clan ran off...as if the very hair on their heads was on fire.  She knew that Fear would choke the life out of her and her family quickly, like weeds in a beautiful garden...or cancer in a body.

Fear caused me to allow lots and lot and lots of people into my life that would continue to secure his comfort in me.  I guess, like the rest of us, he was just trying to achieve a little "job security".  He was truly at the top of his game because the world had become a pretty scary place for everyone.  Bombs blew up buildings down the street from where I lived, and a few years later airplanes fell out of the sky in my back yard.  Years and years turned into decades of poor choices which solidified my perception that I couldn't even trust myself.  It was a prison.  I couldn't escape me.  I took me, and Fear, Disappointment, Disease, Destruction and the rest of Fear's groupies with me wherever I went.  I would try to ignore them.  I would try to distract myself with jobs, goals, hobbies, things and people.  I would even try to tell myself (and others) they weren't there anymore, but one can only turn a blind eye and a deaf ear so long before Truth boldly comes bursting through the door announcing herself...loudly.

The truest, thing I have come to know is God's word.  The Bible says, "There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.  The one who fears is not made perfect in love"  (1 John 4:18).

Perfect Love.  The antithesis to Fear.  I had finally found my Remedy...my Anti-Venom.

I will say Fear put up one heck of a fight though...I definitely have to give credit where credit is due.  He held on for dear life.  Just when I thought the fight was over, Fear would scratch and claw his way back to his feet, ready for another round or two.  I was stunned by his tenacity.  I completely underestimated his strength.

Speaking of credit, I can't take any when it comes to the victory over Fear.  That was God.  He was there all along watching everything that was happening.  He caught every tear I cried in His scarred hands.  He stood by my bed (in home and hospitals) through the many sleepless nights...waiting....waiting...and hoping that THIS would be the night I finally asked Him to fight my fight and claim my life.  I kept Him waiting a very, very long time.  You see, I didn't have you, Trust, to give...not even to Him.

As you know, a few years ago we met again for one of our brief rendezvous, and I was able to hold on to you just long enough to give you to Him.  Fear had an absolute hissy fit and saw the writing on the wall.  His days were numbered and his reign as the ruler of my life had come to an end.  Ya wanna know the crazy thing?  Fear STILL calls me and texts me and wants to get together for coffee and "reminisce".  Can you believe that?  That crazy Fear! ;)

So Trust...here we are.  You and me.  You have given me freedom because you live in me and I have you for myself, however you were a prize so hard fought for that I can scarcely give even a small portion of you to anyone, but God is working on that so I know we are gonna be fine...just fine indeed.  However, there is the mater of the things I did when Fear was in control, and you were not.  I hurt a lot of people...and a few of those people mean EVERYTHING in this world to me Trust.  The thing is, you take years to build, but only seconds to destroy...and a lifetime to repair IF the person is willing to even stick around.  Trust, I need you to do something for me, and it's on par with how you came back and began to grow again between me and my beautiful daughter.  I need you to go to my best friend in the whole world and I need you to tell him.....no, SHOW him...that you live in me and you've healed me.  And then could you stay with him?  Even when he is far away?  Why, you ask?  Because when Fear was in control, we hurt him and used him, and looked right through him as if he didn't even exist.  Yeah, I know...my cheeks are hot and flushed with embarrassment just thinking about it, but you know how pushy Truth can be and she made me promise that if I ever had the opportunity, that I would make this right.  I don't know how many tomorrows I have and I really don't want him to remember me like that.  How will you know which one he is?  Oh, you can't miss him....he's tall and gangly and.....and has the most beautiful crystal blue eyes I have ever seen.

Thanks Trust.  I'm trusting in you.