Numb

The shock and horror kicked off the breakers in my head
Planted
In thick, quick dry cement
More like quicksand, actually
Because every time I move-even to breath
I sink deeper and become more aware
Of the thing that is consuming me.

Drowning now
In anger, and pain, and helplessness
Feeling strangely ambivalent, strangely unreal
I hate these kinds of movies
Too tired to care?  Or caring, but finding no energy to do so?
Self preservation?  Or complete denial?
Feeling the last ounces of hope, and of will
Draining...
Falling....
Through my heart and out of my feet onto the cold, sterile, laminate floor.
Tubes run in an out of her small body
Her hands feel as if she has been playing in the snow without her gloves
Waiting, hoping, longing
To see her eyes
Again
Her kaleidoscope eyes that seem to contain every color ever invented
Please open your eyes baby

My heavy, defeated sighs add to the symphony of beeps and buzzes from the machines
It's as if drawing breath takes every effort, for both of us.

I just want to go back
I want to feel alive
Again
And not like I a am dying a little more
With each labored breath
Even though everything is
I just don't want to feel the dying
I just want to feel the life
I want to hear her laughter

Death will not take us on this night and in this place
But I know the true fight for life begins
For her -and for me- in the days and weeks and moths ahead
God, I know you are a God of "Plan B's"
So we wait on You to make the path straight and the way clear.

If I must hurt to live, then let me live.
There will be time to be numb at the end of the living.